she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
