Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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