Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
