You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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