Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
