I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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