I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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