I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
