I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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