you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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