I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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