Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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