If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm like, not good at living.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
