I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
