Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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