K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
