I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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