dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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