I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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