remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
