hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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