Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
