Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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