I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
