Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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