i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
