do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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