All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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