It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
