I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
