I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
