i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
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he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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