a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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