Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize