i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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