I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
