I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
soo... how was my night?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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