Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
