You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
