I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
