I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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