I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
