I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
