I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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