I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He shit in the fireplace
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
