There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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