The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
