So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
