I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
