She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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