whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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