Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
