Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
