My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
