I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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