I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
