Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize