I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
