Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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