My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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