I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My balls are so social today.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
