I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
